Three drinks and they're done

SPLOOSH!

Puerto Rico: "LOOK AT YOU! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A SIP OF BEER YET AND YOU'RE ALREADY SPILLING IT EVERYWHERE!"

Two of our female friends arrive...

Lightweight: "You're Puerto Rico! Christopher Knight!"

Puerto Rico: "How the hell do you know that? That's kind of creepy."

Lightweight: "I've read about you on Omari's notes on facebook, and he has you tagged in some of them."

Puerto Rico and I leave to go get more alcohol...

Puerto Rico: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Me: "What? The pressure to live up to their expectations?"

Puerto Rico: "Yup. They're probably expecting us to go all wild and crazy, like the notes on facebook."

Me: "I'm not in a crazy mood. I get it all of the time. People hear or read about me, and expect me to be funny or say/do something player-like when they tell me to. They don't understand that it just comes naturally. It happens when it happens."

We get to the UDF and try to grab some Bacardi Razz...the freezer door is locked...

Me: "WHY IS THE FREEZER DOOR LOCKED! WE'RE OVER 21!"

Clerk: "What do you want?"

Me: "I just want to look first and I can't see everything with the door shut!"

He stands there watching over our shoulders. Fuck this. I don't need a baby sitter to buy alcohol. We head to 7/11, grab our alcohol there, and head back to my place.

Featherweight: "How did you two meet each other?"

Me: "To be honest, she randomly messaged me on facebook and added me as a friend, and we've been friends ever since."

Featherweight: "She said that you added her."

Me: "Impossible. I don't add people I don't know."

GIVE ME YOUR TITTIES, BITCH! The lightweight grabs the featherweights tits. They both chug a few drinks, and we lose our featherweight after three drinks. I head outside with the lightweight...

Lightweight: "How do I know that you like me? You have so many other girls. You don't like me. I bet I get on your nerves."

Me: "Why would you say that? If you got on my nerves, you wouldn't be here."

Lightweight: "What about Appleface?"

I swear to god, I am sick and tired of you women asking me about her. I don't know how many times I have to say this...

Me: "Appleface isn't my girlfriend. We're just really good friends. She does what she wants, and I do what I want."

Lightweight: "But still, how do I know that you like me and aren't just playing with me?"

I lean over, kiss her. Look her in her eyes. I get up...

Me: "Think about that."

...and I walk inside. The featherweight is done puking...

Me: "So what did she say about me when you two were whispering?"

Featherweight: "Nothing, but when we were driving here, she said that she doesn't get why you like her."

I won't lie. I like more than one girl. Is that illegal?

Me: "What about you?"

Featherweight: "Something something something, I'm not a whore!"

Me: "I didn't say you were. And why'd you even bring that up? I mentioned nothing about sex."

That's the problem with a lot of women who read my blog and don't really know me well. They all think that I'm trying to fuck them. They also tend to think that every woman I date has to be a perfect 10. Whatever.

The lightweight is trashed, starts rambling on and on...

Lightweight: "So, are you having sex with anyone?"

Me: "Does it matter?"

Lightweight: "No, it doesn't."

Me: "Then there's no point in answering that question. Besides, if I tell you, you're going to believe what you want to believe anyway."

This goes on for ten minutes. I walk away. She follows. I walk further away. She follows again. I'm in my bedroom sitting down now. I lean in to kiss her, pull away before our lips connect. She leans in closer. I pull away again. One more time. I am now laying on my bed. She jumps on top of me. We start kissing. Enough. Let's go back to the front room.

Master of Disaster

2:30AM. Five of us left. Drunk as shit. Did someone say Hookah bar? I think so. We arrive and finish one hookah...

Flojo: "I left my camera at your place."

I look at Hollywood, he looks at me. I had been talking about how I was going to eventually fuck this girl when the time was right. That time is now. She asks me to come back to my place with her to get it.

I'm not stupid. I know how you women are. You'll do little things like that in order to be alone with a guy without sounding like a slut in front of your friends. Either way, I think that it's stupid to have to do that. If you wanna fuck, then fuck, and if your friends have something negative to say, then fuck them too.

Right before we order the hookah...

Female friend: "I think I'll come with you guys."

Trying to be the effective cockblock. Hollywood, help me out...

Hollywood: "They're fine, they can go by themselves. Just stay here with us."

Good lookin' , dog. I get up to get ready to leave with her...

Hollywood: "I don't have enough cash to pay for a second hookah."

He gives me that look. The look of "if you don't pay, we'll all be coming back with you." Fuck it. I have to fuck this girl. I've been fixated on her bubble butt for weeks. I give him some money and walk off with her.

The two of us are now at my place. She goes and gets her camera. We start taking pictures with each other. Personally, I was ready to puke at the whole idea of little heart frames around us, but I had to do it. She's smiling, I kiss her.

3:30AM. Those fuckers could be back at any time now...

Me: "Let's go to my room. I don't want them to see the two of us out here if they come back. They'll be wondering what we've been up to."

She agrees to come. I take off her clothes...

Me: "Are you sure that you're okay with this?"

Flojo: "Yes."

Me: "And you do understand that we will be nothing more than friends after this, right?"

Flojo: "Yes."

Ass up, face down. We finish. Don't tell anyone about tonight. If people know that we had sex, there will be a shitload of Drama, literally. You know, people all up in our business when they shouldn't be. (I wouldn't doubt hearing from a few of them after they see this posting). She agrees and I drop her off at home.

A few days later, "Omari, you're such an asshole!" Huh? What? I wasn't an asshole back then, so I had no clue of what everyone was talking about. The girl must have been telling everyone that I was an asshole, probably for acting like sex never happened between us, as we agreed on. As far as I was concerned, I was too much of a nice guy. I'm sure I had spent close to two grand up to that point of the year buying everyone alcohol on my own tab.

Only one girl had taken my side...."If he told you that he didn't want any kind of relationship out of it, then deal with it and shut the fuck up about it already." Everyone else? I was nothing more than a dickhead, while they continued to come over, party at my place, and drink my beer. It's cool though, if it's an asshole they want, it's an asshole they'll get.

I would then purposely go out of my way to be a dickhead. Smartass remarks. Exposing people for the idiots they really are. The whole nine yards. Even the girl who had started all of this continued to come over.

One day, she comes over with her friends. I'm going to see how much of an asshole she really thinks I am. If I really am an asshole, she won't do what I have planned. Hollywood is in my room with one of her friends, I am in his with her...

Me: "You really don't give oral? It's not that big of a deal."

Flojo: "I don't know. I've never done it before."

Me: "We'll, you'll eventually do it anyway with some guy."

I pause and ignore her, while browsing the internet. She starts to unzip my pants. Pulls out my dick and is holding it in her hand staring at it.

Me: "I just don't understand why you played all of your "I don't give oral" games before. It's not so terrible."

Flojo: "I don't know. I'm just...intimidated."

Me: "Intimidated? By what?"

Flojo: "Look at you, you're huge. That's intimidating for my first time. I just don't think I can live up to your expectations."

Her words exactly.

Me: "I guess we'll find out. Besides, it's not like you have to put the whole thing in your mouth."

She's smiling. Starts sucking me off. Mission accomplished. I know what I need to know. No need for me to cum, I stop her. Pull my dick out of her mouth. Take that dick out your mouth! Gimme that! I zip up my pants. Walk out knowing that she'll always feel inadequate after that. There was no need for me to cum all over her face or anything to that degree. The psychological effects of me making her stop are satisfaction enough. To this day, she still feels uneasy around me.

We could have been good friends. We could have had sex again. But no, she tried to fuck me over. Fuck me over, and I'll fuck you over ten fold. The 33 Strategies of War. Know them.

Christmas weekend the non-boring way.

Face plants on the floor. Sneaking under-agers into a bar. Dancing. Missing teeth. Blood everywhere. Screaming sex. Breakfast. Three hours of sleep. Don't ask. New day. Work. Beer and beef jerky on the menu for dinner...

Me: "Puerto Rico, you should braid your fucking hair."

Puerto Rico: "I'm not braiding my hair."

Me: "Just do it, you'll look more gangster and shit. You'd be like a mix between Prince and 50 cent, except for with braids."

Puerto Rico: "I'm not doing it."

Me: "And yeah, that asian girl from last night wants your balls. She called you hot and you did absolutely nothing about it. Fag."

I throw a turkey at Puerto Ricos balls, and he launches a can of beer towards my hand. Let's call it even.

Snoop-a-loop arrives. And behind him are the asian girl that wants Puerto Rico, Bacon (She's not fat, I just like calling her Bacon), and a third girl...

Third Girl: "What is that, the get laid couch?"

Me: "Yeah, why don't you come and lay on it."

Smile. Take a drink of my rum and coke. Spill it all over my shirt. No one saw it, no one saw it...

Bacon: "I SAW THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!"

I change my clothes. Two more guys arrive. One seems to have a little bit of style. The other? He has tarantuala spiders on his head. Wait those aren't spiders, it's his hair...

Me: "Unbutton those motha-fucking top buttons on your shirts!"

Can't roll with me with your shirt all buttoned up, looking like your collar's choking the shit out of you.

Midnight. We arrive at Panini's. Shots for everyone. Jagerbombs, red-headed sluts, Goldschlager, and whatever else I can think of...

Me: "Tank, you better go talk to one of those girls. They're everywhere."

Tank: "I can't compete with you guys, you're all black."

Uhoh. Pulling the "You get girls because you're black, and I can't because I'm white" line again. Shame on you Tank. Shame on you.

While Puerto Rico is in the bathroom puking his brains out, I'm trying to teach his slanty vagina'd friend how to dance...

Me: "Just follow me, just follow me. I promise not to do anything fancy."

S/anty Vagina: "I can't. I don't know how."

After numerous attempts I understand why she didn't want to go to Nuthouse. Her s\anty vagina must somehow have a direct affect on her dancing skills. In an attempt to try and straighten it up, every dance move she tried ended up in her always leaning at a 45 degree angle, never standing up straight.

I finish up with her, and Bacon tries to jump in and start dancing with the black guys. GO WHITE GIRL! GO WHITE GIRL! GO WHITE GIRL! GO! GO! GO!

I then stop her from her head over-inflating by jumping in and showing her my impression of the white girl dance that every white girl does. You know, the one where they throw their hands in the air, spin around, while slowly bringing their hands down across their body. Soon to be followed by bending completely over and dropping to the ground.

To add insult to injury, I break out the running man, combined with the cabbage patch, if you know what that is.

Igor shows up...

Me: "What're you, Russian or something man?"

Igor: "Molvodian."

Me: "Yeah, Russia."

Igor: "Molvodia."

Me: "You drink vodka over there, right?"

Igor: "Yeah."

Me: "Then you're Russian."

I point to the bartender and order him a shot of vodka. Silly Russians can't fool me.

I dance with a few girls, and Spider-head challenges me to a dance off. He's a better dancer, but I win with my move of placing my fingers on top of my head and moving them around like Spiders crawling in every direction. You just got served.

Impressed with my superior dancing abilities, an old white guy comes and asks me to show him how to dance. I agree to show him one of my "white boy" dances that I use to throw women off when it comes to my dancing skills. The lawnmower? Nah. The sprinkler? Too flashy. I know. I'll show him something I made up myself. I call it The Frankenstein. He does it over and over again, trying to nail it, but just can't get it down.

I keep showing him again and again, that is until another girl backs her ass into me. We finish dancing, and I find the guy, and buy him a shot as a consolation prize. And besides, he has on a pimp ass shirt. One of those shirts with a picture of a Tuxedo on it.

We find everyone we came with and exit outside the back. A guy says some shit to one of my boys. No one fucks with any of my boys. Time for him to get chin-checked...

Me: "What the fuck did you say to my boy!?"

His friend comes along...

Guy: "Please, he's drunk. It's his birthday. I'm sorry."

Forgiven. We shake hands and I turn around back to my friends. I hear someone running their mouth again. Same guy...

Me: "DOG WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!? ARE YOU STILL OVER THERE RUNNING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!? I'LL KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT!!"

No more words. I have once again completely lost it. I'm climbing over people to try and get to this guy. His friends try to rush him down the stairs before I can get to him. By now, about ten people are grabbing me, trying to keep me from getting down those stairs. (Why did I do this? Growing up, I've learned that you always need to get to a guy threatening you, before he can get to you.)

I calm down a little. He's out in the parking lot...

Birthday Boy: "YEAH WHAT'S UP NOW!? COME DOWN HERE TO THE PARKING LOT!"

Insanity. I am going to rock this guy. I fly down the stairs before anyone can get to me again. The guy sees me coming to him. He literally darts out of the parking lot with his friends...

Me: "I'M HERE! I'M HERE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU RUN FOR!?! YOU'RE A MOTHA-FUCKING HOE! THAT'S RIGHT, RUN AWAY, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRL!"

I'm sure that his girl has just lost respect after noticing what a coward her shit-talking, but not backing it up, boyfriend really is.

I hear police blowing their whistles. I don't care. I am going to kill him if I can get anywhere near him. Be logical Omari. By the time you get anywhere near that guy, the cops will have already gotten to you. They're right. I count everyone again. The girls are here. Tank is here. Igor is here. Spider-head is here, and so are the rest of my boys. Wait, where are Puerto Rico and Snoop-A-Loop? I'm not leaving without them. What? They left?

I get home. I have words for both of them for leaving me, especially when random guys were down to fight with me, and the girls stayed behind to look after me. We talk. Words are exchanged. Leave it alone. Nothing more than confusion. We're still boys.

I'm in the hallway sitting with Bacon. One of my boys tells me that she's feeling me. I knew that already. She starts kissing me all over my face. I can't kiss her back. I know what'll happen, and I can't let that happen right now. Promises to keep.

Assanova learns humility

Look at it look at it! BAM! OHHH!! Look at it Puerto Rico! Free entry to the gun show! BAM! Again? BAM! Watch the polo sleeve roll back when I flex! Watch it! Are you watching mother-fucker!?!!! BAM!!! OHHHH! Go ahead and touch it, you know you want to!! BAM BAM BAM!!! Uhoh, uhoh, out of ammo! Boy, wait until I hit 200 pounds! I'm going to need a bigger shirt to holster these guns!

Puerto Rico: "You are retarded, get out of here."

Yeah, that's right! Get away from the live fire, cause the guns are going off!! I should just walk up to a girl and flex my guns in front of her all night.

A reflection of me standing in the mirror.

Wing night at Nuthouse. Puerto Rico and Havoc carry over 40+ wings on a newspaper and inhale them. Cheap, lazy, and effective. A waitress comes over...

Waitress: "Sign up for the cornhole tournament, what's your name?"

Me: "I'm more of a flipcup/beerpong player, but I guess I'll sign up. Put me down as black guy."

She just stares at me...

Havoc: "Tecumseh! Put me down as Tecumseh!"

Me: "OOOO!! That's good, put me down as T.Hawk!!"

We were born in America, so that makes us Native Americans, right?? Another blank stare...

Me: "Ok, we'll settle on Salt and Pepper."

Waitress: "What's your real name?"

Me: "It doesn't matter, and that's my final answer."

Waitress: "OK. And you are? Pepper?"

Me: "No, no, I'm Salt! The white guy is Pepper!"

Waitress: "Ok, Salt and Pepper it is then."

All of a sudden, a girl I invited out shows up. I told her that I'd call her when I got there. I never called, assuming she wouldn't come until I did. Kind of akward, since wing night is the night I go out with just the boys. She was shy, and just didn't fit in, sort of like how Joan Rivers jacked up face will never fit anywhere near the term "normal".

A perfect example of not fitting in. The girl mentioned, simply didn't fit in, sort of like how this sea cow just doesn't fit into her clothes.

I couldn't even remember this girls name. All I knew is that we talked on AIM from time to time, and I'd occasionally talk to her at a bar. It then hits me that I'm always talking about how I can get away with anything when it comes to women. Time to put it to the test.

I plan on ignoring her and being an asshole all night, just to see if she'll still make-out with me. I throw out all of the rules in my rule book. No push/pull techniques, no funny guy stuff, no kino, no game.

For my amusement, I encourage all of my friends to hit on her...

My boys: "Omari Who's that girl you're with?"

Me: "I can't tell you that, because I don't even remember her name."

My boys: "Is she yours?"

Me: "Nope, go for it man. She's all yours."

No idea of if any of them succeeded. I was too busy taking shot, after shot, after shot. My boys and I are going through every shot that we can think of. Patrone, Lemon Drop, Purple Kool-Aid (insert obvious played out black joke here). She is sitting by herself...

Guy: "Hey, you're that guy."

Me: "What guy?"

Guy: "You got kicked out during the summer, after an altercation with my friend."

Me: "Your friend?"

Guy: "Yeah, after you got kicked out, you came back in and blew my friends knee out."

Me: "I remember the altercation, but are you sure that was me who kicked his ass and blew his knee out?"

Guy: "Yup, I'm 100% sure. I remember your labret peircing. No other black guy has that. You sent my friend to the hospital."

We pause. I clinch my fist. I'm going to have to fight tonight...

Guy: "But it's cool though, shit happens."

Him and his boys probably planned on jumping me, but recognized that I was rolling deep, with a shitload of my boys with me as well.

The girl I invited out is now with me. Right in front of her face, I'm talking to my boys about how I'm going to Miani's to meet up with some other girls. I simply didn't care. I wanted to piss her off as much as possible.

My boys say that they'll catch up. Her and I leave, and end up at her place. We talk. She's very much aware of my blog postings, and some of my tactics. Her guard is up. Perfect. Such a rush from this, a challenge.

I up the stakes even more. Although I never ever talk about myself around girls, I intentionally steer the conversation towards me. She seems to be going with it. I'm growing bored. I still have girls and friends to meet up with. I'm getting no signs of interest at all, but I don't care. Time for a bold move.

I get up, I go in for a kiss...REJECTED! OHHHHHH! Fucking hilarious. I can't help but laugh at myself, like I've done at so many guys before. I've never had this happen.

The last time I've had any kind of rejection was over a year ago, and it wasn't really rejection. I was in bed making-out with a girl, and when I tried to go to the next step, she blurted out "I like to go on dates too, you know!". I laughed in her face, rolled over, and went to sleep.

I catch up with my boys, tell them my story...

Tank: "I could have told you that it wasn't going to happen. You were being a complete dick to that girl."

Me: "Yeah, but I just had to try it once, just to see if I could get away with it."

We arrive at Hendoc's, never make it to Miani's. I have to redeem myself. I throw on my game face...

My game face, which is exactly the same as my "O" face.

Me: "Anyone using these stools?"

Girl: "No."

Me: "Is it ok if my friend and I sit here?"

Girl: "Yeah, it's cool. You're new here aren't you?"

Me: "Yup, my first time. I don't come on this part of campus too often (north campus)."

Girl: "We come here all of the time."

Me: "Oh really?"

Girl: "Yeah, every Tuesday. You should come next time."

Me: "I don't know. Maybe we can hang out some other time."

Girl: "Sure."

Me: "And how would that happen?"

Girl: "I can give you my number and you can call me."

Too damn easy. I then watch Snoop and company chase around two girls all night. They seriously reminded me of the Scooby Doo chase scenes where Scooby runs from the monster through one door with the monster in pursuit, only to come out of that door and run through another. Puerto Rico and I just sat there, watched them, and laughed our asses off.

This is what it looked like every two seconds when Snoop and company were chasing the same two girls around all night.

I would later talk to the girl I was an asshole to the next day. I apologized for being a dick, and we joked about it. She knew exactly what I was doing.

Attack of The Fatties

Oh, so you think you can invite your friends out and then ignore us, eh? Seven girls to yourself? I don't think so. After being ignored for 20 or so minutes, the three of us introduce ourselves. The guy who invited us out leaves to go get a beer...

Rhaspy Chick: "All of you, sit down, sit down. Now! I don't want him sitting next to me. He keeps hitting on me and I don't like him like that."

Ok, so she must be the girl that he's after. That means the rest are fair game. One of the hotter brunettes starts talking to us, when a random white guy who is with them approaches...

White Guy: "I can't believe that he isn't fucking her yet."

Me: "Huh? We just met her five minutes ago."

White Guy: "You don't know me, I get laid all of the time."

I check out the way he's dressed, and judging from his attitude and the way he speaks, he's full of shit...

Me: "Oh really, have you fucked her yet? If you're so good, why don't I see you with any girls?"

White Guy: "She only likes black guys."

Another guy full of excuses. A girl only liking "X" type of guy has never stopped me before...

Me: "You're so full of shit."

I turn around, and here comes the first wave of fatties...

Fatty: "Hey, I know you, you're the guy with that tattoo."

Me: "I don't have any tattoos."

She tries searching my wrists and eventually finds it. I look at Puerto Rico. Save me mother fucker. I turn away from the fatties...

Puerto Rico: "Look at 'em! Look at 'em! They're over there planning which one gets each of us. Just look, look!"

I turn around to verify that terror does indeed await us. I go into full blown asshole mode. They walk away. I start talking to Snoop and Puerto Rico again. Why the fuck are Puerto Rico's eyes so wide, and who the fuck is he staring at?

I feel a light touch against my back. I turn around in disbelief. A fucking man is grinding against me. He keeps on going. He acts like I won't fuck him in his ass......what? Let's pretend I didn't say that. One of his friends then rushes over to grab him in fear of the anal rapage that he's going to receive from me.

I then look over at Snoop gaming the brunette. She's into him. Puerto Rico and I then walk away to give them space. Nope, not The Black Guy, he's claiming this girl as his own too. Getting greedy, now aren't we? Puerto Rico tries to stop him from coming over to them. And The Black Guy throws him out of the way, and walks over me to get to them. The brunette notices his desperation, and cuts him out of the conversation. I'm going to be ripping on this type of shit on facebook soon.

Snoop comes over to us, leaving the brunette with The Black Guy. Oh, you guys are funny. She walks over to us and leaves him there by himself. The look on his face? I don't know if I can even call it a look, as it is twisted in every which way possible.

Everyone then goes back to where we started. I stay behind, no need for me to follow everyone else. The brunette sees me, walks over. I look at The Black Guy. Sorry man, she chose me. I honestly tried not to take the girl. I kept mostly quiet, and stayed away from her, but if she chooses me, there's nothing I can do about it.

Oh God, what is this big ball of chicken grease rolling towards Puerto Rico and rubbing on his stomach? Oh fuck, oh fuck, she's looking at me now. She grabs my shoulder. What do I do, what do I do!?!?!!! I try to run away, she's got me. Someone save me...

Fatty Supreme: "Baby, baby, I just wanna talk to you. You're hot. Where are you going? Baby, baby!!"

I run to the brunette and her friend. They wrap their arms around me to protect me. Uhoh, fatty is relentless...

Fatty Supreme: "Baby, baby, come do a line(of coke) with me. Excuse me, can you ladies move!? I just wanna get to him. Baby, baby."

I'm going to die, I'm going to die. They wrap their arms around me tighter. She gives up. Thank God. She starts to walk away...SMACK!!!! Puerto Rico's hand connects with her ass, sending shockwaves throughout the bar. Wait, it's pulling him in! She sees The Black Guy. He smells the chicken grease and he's hungry. He talks to her...

Puerto Rico: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?! THAT'S MY GIRL! YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY GIRL!!"

All attention then goes to The Black Guy, and everyone sees him with the fatty. Laughter erupts. A girl watching the whole scene smiles and looks at us...

Girl: "You guys are so retarded."

And she agrees to come back to see us put on another show.

Man versus Nature

Wednesday night. I'm going to ride that fucking bull at Panini's...

Big Country: "Omari, let's get some girls!"

Girls? Fuck girls. That bull is calling my fucking name. I look at one of the million bleach blondes passing around the list. Sign me up. Sign me up as the black guy. The black guy? You're right, I'm being too humble. Sign me up as the hot black guy.

While I'm being fed the finest grapes in the land, by only the worlds finest women, my name is called down from the heavens above. It must be my turn to show the world what being a man is all about.

I kick off my shoes, mount, no wait, wrap, no wait, there's no way to say it without it sounding gay. I get on top of the bull, choke it's rope tighter than I have ever choked the great Tower of Babel. Excuse me, did I say the great Tower of Babel? I meant my dick; It's hard not to confuse the two.

YAAAH!! I smack it's ass. GIDDY UP! I kick it with the back of my foot. I point out to the crowd, who is surely watching how awesome I am, and the bull takes off. I let go of the rope. Look maw, no hands, and I ride it for what seems like forever. I finally let it throw me off, as I am getting tired of making myself look good.

Ok, back to reality. My hand is burning like hell. Fucking rope. Head spinning. I'm fine, I'm fine. Hold on, I didn't eat dinner, I'm trashed, and I just spun around. Far from fine. I need to go to the restroom. I'm cool. I never puke because I am the man. I just regurgitate it and eat it again.

God, oh god. The spinning, it won't stop. My stomach. No stalls open, no toilets. The sink or the floor? The sink or the floor? I'll take my chances with the sink. "Omari did you just puke in my fucking sink!?". It was either that or the floor. Which would you have preferred to clean up?

No more beer. I leave my Budweiser behind...

Big Country: "Omari, let's get some girls!"

Why do you need me to get girls? You're a big boy. 20 minutes later, Where's my fucking beer!?! I walk back to the restroom. Two guys standing near it. They know better than to touch the untouchable. Give me my fucking beer!!! I look them in their eyes. They cower at the sight of the legendary hurricane that some call Omari. I snatch my unfinished Budweiser and walk out. Fucking bull.

Big Country: "Let's get some girls??"

----

Oh, and by the way, Tank and Puerto Rico, I was at McFadden's earlier, and the bartender/waitress asked about you two. She wants whichever one of you who have her number to call her so she can hang out with us.

Five nights in my shoes (Day 5: The High Status Male)

11:30PM. We all arrive at Panini's. Ross pulls in a group of girls...

Blonde Chick: "Hey, my name is Blonde Chick. What's your name?"

Me: "Guess. My name starts with an O"

Blonde: "Oliver?"

Me: "Okay, Roseanne (sp?)."

I obviously said that just to piss her off. She looks nothing like Roseanne...

Blonde Chick: "You're hot."

For the fifth night in a row, at least one woman has called me hot, I'm not kidding. I usually have witnesses. She introduces me to her friends, one of them being a tall hot goth chick. Ross says that he wants her, so I leave her alone. The blonde chick keeps coming over, telling me how hot I am. (Again, ask my friends if you don't believe me)

I walk over to the black guys...

MJ: "Omari, do you see that group of hot black girls sitting next to your table?"

Me: "Yeah, what about 'em?"

MJ: "Go talk to them. This guy wants to see what you have."

Me: "Man, I don't have any game. What're you talking about?"

MJ: "Shut up, I've seen what you can do before. Go work your magic."

Me: "Give me a few minutes."

I return to my table, glance at the black girls out of the corner of my eye. They're hot, and I can see them looking over at our table every few minutes. I know better than to jump in during the middle of their conversation, I wait for a dead spot.

MJ then introduces me to the guy who wants my help with women. I size him up, he's short, fat, has acne, wears thick glasses, wears sneakers to a club, and has on one of those button up anime/cartoon shirts. The guy seriously needs a lot of work, and that's before he can even talk to girls. He needs to at least make himself presentable first.

I notice that there is a crowd of guys around me, waiting on me to talk to those girls. Ross leaves. The blonde chick returns and says something to one of my boys, and then comes over and tells me...

Blonde Chick: "Goth chick thinks that you're hot and wants you to talk to her."

I don't believe her. Usually I can tell when a woman wants me, and I wasn't getting any signals from the tall goth chick. My boy then walks over and tells me what the blonde chick said to him before she said something to me...

My Boy: "The blonde chick just told me that the hot goth chick thinks that you're hot."

Confirmation. I look at the blonde chick...

Me: "Well, she can come talk to me if she wants."

She relays the message to her and returns...

Blonde Chick: "She's scared to come talk to you, do you like her, think she's cute? She'll come over if you think that she's cute."

Me: "Yeah, I guess she's cute."

This goes back and forth, so childish. The hot goth chick is just standing there by herself, waiting on me to come talk to her because she's shy and intimidated by me, cute. I walk over...

Me: "Look at you, you're a texting machine."

Hot Goth Chick: "I know, I know."

She smiles...

Me: "I don't see you texting me."

Hot Goth Chick: "That's because I don't have your number."

Me: "I know, I'll give it to you."

I give it to her...

Me: "Now call me, so I know who you are when you call or text me."

She finishes...

Me: "Why don't you come over here where everyone else is, there's no need for you to be over here by yourself."

She agrees. This is what I mean by keeping shit simple, fellas. We take three of the girls home with us; We live less than five minutes from Panini's. I'm walking with the hot goth chick, and someone starts yelling at us...

No Idea Who: "WHERE ARE YOU TWO GOING?! YOU'RE LEAVING US!"

I point to my apartment, grab the hot goth chick's hand, and lead her upstairs. The rest of the group arrives. Appleface calls and hear's the girls in the background...

Appleface: "Where are you? Are you with girls!?"

Me: "And if I am?"

We then start arguing again. The blonde chick keeps telling me how hot I am, while the goth girl is getting all shy again, quiet. One of my white boys starts to rag on me. And the blonde chick immediately jumps to my defense...

Blonde Chick: "Look at him, he's a very attractive guy. He's color coordinated, his clothes look good, he has on nice shoes, he's tall, cleanly shaven."

She goes on and on...

Blonde Chick: "He's a gentleman, a nice guy."

Me? A nice guy? My boys erupt in laughter, even I had to laugh at that one. She goes on...

Blonde Chick: "Look at you, you're a bum, you don't know how to dress, don't know how to talk to women. See, that's why I hate white guys. You just don't get it."

Those are her exact words. The guy in question just doesn't care, and can't take a hint. She only likes black guys. He still tries to get on her, unsuccessfully...

White Guy: "Hey, why don't you give me your number."

Blonde Chick: "Ok, I guess."

White Guy: "My phone is in the bathroom. Come with me to get it."

Blonde Chick: "No, that's ok, you can bring it out here."

White Guy: "Just come, it's in Omari's room."

I then see the goth chick and the blonde chick make eye contact. They're like "No, no, not going in there.", but they're doing it without making sound. I'm just reading their lips and body language. Puerto Rico sees the same thing, and is laughing his ass off. The two of us are just laid back, not saying a word, while we watch our white buddy get blown out.

The two girls eventually leave. I apologize to the hot goth chick for my white buddy's behavior, tell her that I'll eventually give her a call. They leave...

White Guy: "Fuck those bitches man!"

Someone has a bitter taste left in their mouth.

Five nights in my shoes (Day 4: Sleep Deprivation)

9:30PM. Just got off of work, pushing 48 hours without sleep. Gotta trim my head and face, shower, and get dressed. Time to hit up the Bar of Modern Art (BoMA) again. Tired as fuck. Why am I going out? The following events are blurry, as I am in a pissed off, sleep deprived daze...

Puerto Rico: "She cut in line, she cut in line! She can't just cut in front of me!"

GI Jane: "Me? Cut? Honey, I've been here."

She smiles at Puerto Rico, and walks straight pass the bouncers. He's going to have words with her when he sees her inside.

We get upstairs to the lounge area, and look who walks right in front of us again. It's GI Jane. Puerto Rico goes to share a few words with her and comes back with a drink in hand...

Puerto Rico: "Dude, she's fucking loaded!"

I look over at her ring finger, the biggest rock I have ever seen in my life. The diamond is about the size of a dime. Must be married to someone of very high status. Puerto Rico then decides to go do what he does best, steal drinks...

Puerto Rico: "Can I try your drink?"

Girl: "Sure."

Boyfriend: "You're not trying her drink!"

Puerto Rico: "Did I fucking ask you!? I asked her, and she said yes."

He then sticks his straw in her drink and takes a sip. He then looks at the guy...

Puerto Rico: "I wanna try yours too!"

Boyfriend: "Fuck off."

The boyfriend makes the mistake of walking away, and Puerto Rico tries his drink anyway...

Boyfriend: "Is that my fucking drink!?"

Puerto Rico: "Yup, you shouldn't have left it alone."

Boyfriend: "Just take it. I'm not drinking after you!"

Puerto Rico: "I don't want it now."

Puerto Rico walks off. Two seconds later, the guy is sipping his drink using the same straw that Puerto Rico used. GI Jane then looks at me...

GI Jane: "You're hot. What's your name?"

Me: "Omari."

She then reaches over three other guys to grab me and pull me in closer. She literally spent about five minutes telling me how hot I am, and grabbing me, just ask any of my boys who were there. Puerto Rico then returns and has her buy everybody drinks...

GI Jane: "I don't care, it's not my money I'm spending."

By now, I'm at my seat, watching my friends drink the drinks she bought for them. She looks at me again and asks me to come over...

Me: "You gotta meet me halfway."

GI Jane: "Baby, you don't have to meet me halfway. You're hot, and you are already here baby. (She points at her stomach), you're already here."

She then asks me to touch her hair, she has a buzz cut, but she can get away with it because she is tall and hot. Awesome legs. I touch her head...

Me: "Touch my hair, wait, I don't have any."

GI Jane: "My pussy is just like the top of your head. I like to keep it shaved baby. Down there, I can't let it get all rough and stuff."

She then makes these motions over her crouch area. This woman is off the hook. She's obviously loaded and doesn't give a fuck about what she says. She comes over and sits on my lap...

GI Jane: "Me and you baby, we gotta get together later. I'm going to go dance though."

I just look at her...

Me: "No can do, I'm tired."

As she's walking off..

Gi Jane: "Baby, you're so hot. I can't believe that you just blew me off. You're the first guy to ever blow me off."

Her hand leaves my face, and she walks off. Puerto Rico comes over with three drinks and a beer in his hand. The guy is a drinking machine. Of course, a few guys wanna see how I work with women again, but this time I refuse, I'm just too fucking tired to do anything.

I go to the pisser and I see the sister of a blonde stripper I use to fuck. I know that the stripper isn't around because she only goes out on Saturday nights, and if she was there, she would have grabbed me by my arm by now. I use to fuck her really late every Saturday night, beat it up.

The woman was a super freak who liked to be fucked harder than any woman I know. She absolutely loved big dick black guys. And not just any black guy, she hated the beefy ones, liked the tall natural ones, such as myself, who wouldn't crush her petite frame. Whenever she sees me, she immediately drops whatever she is doing or whatever guy she's with to come grab me.

Puerto Rico asked whatever happened to her. In short, my old phone broke, and she got a new phone at about the same time, no way to contact each other. We haven't seen each other since then because I have yet to go to Spice on a Saturday night, where I would normally see her.

Appleface calls. I tell her about last night. We start arguing. Tired of her caling me all kinds of names, I eventually tell her to stop texting me. She goes off the wall, calls me about three or four times. She simply couldn't understand that we were both drunk, so I didn't wanna talk about anything until the next day, when we were sober. She didn't care, she wanted to yell at me now.

Pissed off and tired, I end up watching Ross pick up girls using a prop on his head (Mystery's hat). Girls were literally asking to touch and wear it left and right. That, coupled with his looks, made him a fucking pimp. He's one of those artsy pretty boys, and if he wanted to, he could easily pull more girls than me. At one point, he had a girls camera, and made her jump up and down like a dog begging for a treat, in order to get it back. It was absolutely hilarious.

Puerto Rico is completely trashed, and I mean completely, so we head home. I end up getting a lecture about Appleface from my boys. What was mentioned? Most namely my ability to pick up hotter women than her, so why even deal with her anyway? It was also mentioned that she doesn't respect me, and is too quick to jump to her own conslusions. Of course my boys would love nothing more than for me to break it off with her. For the next four days, we end up arguing.

Five nights in my shoes (Day 3: Red Shoe Diaries)

I just finished writing the "Locked out" blog posting...

Puerto Rico: "Where the fuck are you at man!"

He is waiting on campus for me...

Me: "I'm on my way back to campus, I'll be there late. I didn't know we were suppose to hang out tonight."

Puerto Rico: "Ever since we have known each other, have we ever not went to a bar on a Thursday!?"

Fuck. I planned on sleeping in, but he has a point. I head back to campus, get dressed, and we make our way to 4 kegs with Smooth and a few others. A group of two girls comes and talks to us. I look at Smooth...

Me: "Isn't it great being black guys?"

Smooth: "Hah, yeah, it's so easy to get girls."

Me: "Watch me play this stupid game with them."

He knows what game I'm talking about. It's one of the psychological games that I picked up. I run the game, "read" their minds, and I guess correctly. They freak out, and jump around all giddily. Smooth starts to laugh his ass off...

Smooth: "I can't believe that they fell for that! It works almost every single time."

I tell my boys that I'm about to head out. The Black Guy stops me and asks me to hold on. We have girls coming home. He's taking too long. I really just wanna goto sleep. I look over at Puerto Rico...

Me: "I bet I can pull those girls."

Puerto Rico: "Well, stop fucking talking and do it!"

I walk over, get the whole group laughing. One of the girls tells me that I'm hot, and we exchange numbers. Shits so fucking easy. I then wait on The Black Guy...

Puerto Rico: "You already have one of their numbers. Let's just go. If he brings them back, he brings them back. You already got one of the girls."

Another point for Puerto Rico. As soon as we get home, my phone rings. It's The Librarian. Why do I call her that? She's into books and stuff. She's one of many girls that I have yet to write about. One of the few that I'm impressed with beyond physical traits. It's 3AM. I tell her that I'm coming over. Do you wanna roll with? Fuck it. Puerto Rico decides to come.

We get there, I look her up and down. Damn, just damn.

She lays on my lap on one couch. Puerto Rico is laying on the other couch with one of her friends. There is confusion now, which will be explained later. Keep reading.

I'm talking to The Librarian, concentrating on her lips. So hot. The subject of my facebook notes and Appleface come up...

The Librarian: "So what's up with you and Appleface?"

Me: "We're friends."

The Librarian: "Just friends? Are you kidding me? You guys are more than friends. I can tell from your notes. Friends don't make out."

Me: "No, seriously, we don't even have sex. We're friends. She'll tell you the same thing. However, you and I, we aren't friends. I want you to know that."

I refuse to be placed in the "friend" catgeory with women that I want. It's all or nothing. She makes nothing of it, and we discuss my blog some more...

Me: "You don't think that I'm an asshole, do you?"

The Librarian: "Nope. It's those girls faults for wanting you and whining if you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want a relationship."

I look at her nails. Nicely done. No chips, no scratches. I start caressing her hand...

The Librarian: "I don't have sex on the first night."

A challenge? We'll see about that. She starts playing with her hair. It's wavvy/curly, so hot. She's really starting to turn me on. I'm starting to lose control. This rarely happens. She looks up at me...

The Librarian: "What's wrong?"

Me: "Nothing."

The Librarian: "Is it Appleface?"

I look at her again. Eyes locked in a gaze, I kiss her. Seduction.

She straddles me. More kissing. Is this happening? I'm suppose to be a good guy. What about Appleface? Forget about Appleface. She doesn't respect my sexual desires as a man. I want this. Continue.

I slowly lay her down...

The Librarian: "All men cheat, it's to be expected."

No it's not. I'm a good guy. I can be loyal. I pull away.

The Librarian: "You're thinking about her, aren't you?"

No I'm not. I want you. I dive back in.

Me: "You're so fucking hot."

Something that I'd never say during the first meeting with a woman. However, she really was so fucking hot. She has the sexiest lips that I've ever seen on a woman. I kiss her. I repeat the same line. I kiss her again. Repeat...

The Librarian: "That pick up line isn't going to work on me."

Me: "It's not a pick up line. I've already picked you up."

The Librarian: "Correction: You're at my house, you didn't pick me up."

Shut up. Kiss me. I begin tracing her face with my fingers. My lips start to explore her breasts, not quite pulling them out like an animal, but just exploring the upper areas...

Me: "I thought friends didn't make out?"

The Librarian: "We aren't friends."

I kiss her hands again, work my way all the way down to her stomach...

Me: "I'm such a bad guy."

I kiss her again...

Me: "I'm such a bad guy."

The Librarian: "I know."

More kissing...

Me: "Maybe I should go, maybe I should go."

She grabs me by my neck. She's not letting me go anywhere. I kiss her again...

Me: "I thought you said you didn't have sex on the first night?"

The Librarian: "This isn't the first night."

Now that I think about it, we did go out twice before during the early summer, Junish. I've been so busy, that I never got around to calling her back.

I kiss her again. I unzip her pants. No resistance. I begin gently biting her, each bite followed by a warm kiss. Mixing pleasure with pain, pain with pleasure. She tries to kiss me on my lips. I pause. The nerves on our lips barely connect, but they're connecting. I look her in her eyes. She pulls me back in...

Me: "Are you sure you want this?"

The Librarian: "What?"

Me: "Nothing, forget it."

The Librarian: "No, what is it?"

I know how she is, now she wants an answer. I was hoping that she would just say yes, but I should have known better. She will stop at nothing to get an answer. I know that sex isn't going to happen now, so I answer...

Me: "I'm just protecting myself."

The Librarian: "From STD's?"

Me: "No, no, I always carry two condoms, that's not it."

The Librarian: "Then?"

Me: "I've just had a few friends get hit with false rape charges. You've been drinking, and so have I. It's just my way of verifing that you consented."

The Librarian: "We've been together twice already. If I didn't want sex to happen then this wouldn't be happening, and you know that. You're thinking about Appleface, aren't you?"

There's no way I can save myself. I just ask her to walk me out. There's no need to dwell on it. We'll both forget about it eventually. She's been pissed with me before.

It's 6AM. No time to sleep, gotta go straight to work and work for 12 hours. I grab my ipod, and turn on Usher - Confessions: Part 2. The shit is going to hit the fan soon...

----

I talked to Puerto Rico in retrospect about what happened. Turns out that while The Librarian and I were wondering when they were going to fall asleep, they were wondering the same thing about us two. As you can see from above, they fell asleep first.

While I was sitting there thinking "She doesn't even live here, why doesn't he just take her home to his place?" he was thinking "She lives here, why doesn't he just take her to her bedroom?" Good stuff.

Five nights in my shoes (Day 2: Wednesdays suck)

I'm not suppose to go out, only four hours of sleep last night. Havoc busts in the door...

Havoc: "Everyone is down at McFadden's watching the OSU vs. UNC game."

I guess I'm going out. I arrive to see Tank macking on one of the waitresses. He was actually real smooth about it, had her snatch his phone out of his hand just to put in her number. After an eating contest, we head down to our favorite bar ever, Panini's...

Tank: "This is my friend Omari. Omari this is Mulan."

Huh, what the fuck is going on? Uh, hey, I guess. Turns out that she was thinking the same thing. I know exactly what he was doing. He knows that I don't like slanty vaginas, but by introducing me, it made him the center of attention, the focal person. This guy is getting good.

A girl then trips over my feet...

Girl: "You're hot, I'm sorry. You're hot."

Huh? All of that room, and she can't just walk around me?? The things some of you women will do to get a guys attention.

Tank then points out two girls looking at me, and tries to get me to talk to them. No can do, Appleface will be here at any moment.

In the meantime, I watch people try to ride the bull. I then notice a trend. All of the males and ugly girls get thrown off fast, while the hot girls get to stay on for a long period of time. Good job, Panini's. I see what you did there.

I then try to get my asian boys to ride it...

Bruce: "What's the matter, you've never seen a Chinaman ride a bull before!?"

He then goes flying over the bull. He's okay, and he jumps on, only to be thrown off two seconds later.

A girl comes over and talks to Tank, he freezes up, and refuses to go talk to her friend. He needs more of that juice.

Appleface arrives, wraps her arms around me, and starts kissing me. We haven't seen each other in two weeks. Did you miss me? She nods her head. And I can't lie, I missed her too.

We head home, she falls asleep on my lap. It's 8AM, she wakes up...

Appleface: "I'm not sleeping down here, let's go upstairs."

Yeah, sure, we both only have to wake up at 9AM. It's lines like the above that keep me around.

Five nights in my shoes (Day 1: Bar Sluts)

Me: "Why'd you guys turn on the fans!? It's freezing!"

Bartender: "I'm hot."

Me: "Almost."

Bartender: "Haha, funny guy."

Me: "Haha, no, I'm a serious guy. You're almost hot."

She could have used a little work on her face. Sometimes, I guess I'm just too brutally honest. I open the phone and tell Crazy that I'm not coming over to see her tonight. This fucking bar sucks, it's time for Miani's.

I head upstairs with Puerto Rico. There's a guy sitting right in the middle of the steps...

Me: "Move the fuck out of the way before I beat your ass!"

He doesn't say anything. I head downstairs to take a piss. The guy returns with friends and surround Puerto Rico. Here is the conversation as Puerto Rico recalls it...

Fags: "Do you see all of those guys down there, they're all Division 1-A wrestlers."

Puerto Rico: "Hey, I didn't say shit to you."

Fags: " Well, your buddy did, and you were with him."

Puerto Rico: "Hey, if you wanna fight, I'll fight you one on one. Besides what're you and your buddies going to do? Put on Spandex, lay me down, and jump on top of me?"

The guys leave him alone, and I return upstairs. I'm joking with a guy about the military, and 20 minutes later...

Puerto Rico: "Where the fuck were you man! You know that guy that you were talking shit to? He came up here with all of his wrestler buddies and surrounded me!"

Me not giving a fuck...

Me: "Point him out! I'll punch him in his mother fucking mouth right now! Point him out!"

For some reason, he refuses to point the guys out. I didn't see his face when I was walking up the steps, as he was hunched into his phone. Puerto Rico is perplexed at my reaction...

Puerto Rico: "Dude, it would have been the two of us against fifteen guys!"

Me: "I don't care, point him out and I'll knock him the fuck out! Someone is going to come to the hospital with me!"

Of course, Puerto Rico thinks that I must be nuts. I stand no chance against a bunch of Division 1-A wrestlers. However, he obviosuly doesn't know my past or my logic. I've been in over thirty-something street fights in grade school, and most of them were over in less than thirty seconds. Most of the time, I won through surprise attacks. The guy would start running his mouth, and before there was any pushing or shoving, I'd just deck him in his mouth and start punching him relentlessly.

Doing the math, I could probably take out one guy before his friends could get to me, and by the time they got to me, the bouncers would have gotten to them. It was either that, or have the two of us walk all the way back to South Campus alone, and get jumped without anyone there to help us or break up the fight. At least if they fought us in the bar, they had something to lose if they were arrested. They'd get kicked off of the team and I knew that.

Great, our boys have arrived. There are about eight of us now. There will be no problems tonight. One of them wants to see how I work with women. I get this all of the time. It's starting to get old, but I do it anyway. I approach a group of five girls, and start working them. Nothing special is said, and I introduce a few of my friends so I can bail out on them, as they are starting to bore me...

Bar Sluts: "Buy us shots!"

Me: "Oh, so you think that I'm one of THOSE guys! You're hilarious! I'm smarter than that."

Bar Sluts: "Please!"

Me: "Fuck no I won't. Maybe if you wouldn't have asked for them, I would have offered to buy you guys drinks. Hold on, I'll find you another sucker who'll do it."

I grab another guy, pull him over, and walk away. I hear a girl in another group say "Did you see that guy just hit on me." She blew him off. I look over at my boys...

Me: "You see that girl over there. She just blew off some guy, I bet I can pull that."

As I'm approaching, I notice that part of the group is from the Bar Slut group that I talked to earlier. I walk right by them, and I hear one of them say "He's hot". I ignore it, and as I'm walking, another girl grabs me...

Girl: "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

I pause, and get a good look at her...

Me: "Yeah, we met at 4kegs. Remember when that girl kept calling me every 10 seconds (literally) when I was talking to you? You grabbed my arm, and came downstairs with me so that she could see that I was with you."

She smiles, and I excuse myself. I see two blondes looking over at me every two seconds, but before I walk over to go talk to them, one of the Bar Sluts comes over and starts talking to me. She wants me to come over to her friends. Time to play the position of power...

Me: "I'm not budging, but you and your friends are more than welcome to come over here with me and my friends."

She agrees and brings over her friends. One of them start to grind against me. I just look at her and continue to talk to one of my boys. "I'll give you a kiss if you buy me a shot" the first girl says to me....

Me: "Okay, but I'll only let you kiss me on the cheek."

She leans in to kiss my cheeck, I pull away. "OOOOOOHHH!" Shaggy then reaches his hand up for a high five with her. She falls for the bait. He pulls his hand back before she can reach it. "OOOOOHHH!" again. Tank comes over...

Tank: "I have a shot for you, here."

She holds out her hand, and he drops an empty shotglass in it. This girl had to be feeling terrible. That's what she gets for all of the guys she's been using for drinks.

I then pull out cash to buy my boys drinks. The Bar Sluts eyes lighten up. They seriously think that I'm buying all of them shots. I order four shots and a beer. I reach for the shots. Their eyes grow wider. I then hand all of the shots to my boys. Killed 'em softly.

The girl whom we played earlier gets her drink taken from the bouncer. I could be Scrooge, but she put up with so much of my shit. I hand her my beer as a consolation prize.

Seeing what I did, two of the girls say...

Bar Sluts: "We'll make out with each other if you buy us shots!"

Me: "My last three girlfriends were bi-sexual. Do you honestly think I give a fuck if you two make out? Go ahead and do it if you want, but I don't care, and I'm not buying you drinks."

Seeing that I'm a no bullshit guy who isn't going to put up with their silly games, one of the girls comes and talks to me, tells me that she is like the mother of the group. Do I get her phone number? Nah, I want Mcdonalds...

Tank: "Dude, my bartender friend is into you, why don't you go talk to her?"

He had introduced me to her earlier, but I had forgotten all about her. She's hot as fuck, but I'm in no rush, maybe next time.

Puerto Rico, Tank, and I then head to Mcdonald's where we proceed to yell into the intercom...

Me: "Can I get a double cheeseburger, no onion, no pickles!"

Puerto Rico: "Me too, I want one of those!"

Lady: "Sir, we don't offer those on our late night menu!"

Me: "YES YOU DO, I SEE IT!"

Puerto Rico: "Where's my double cheeseburger!"

Tank: "You guys are crazy."

Lady: "We have quarter pounders."

Me: "Yeah, let me get one of those, except make it a double cheeseburger!"

Puerto Rico: "I love you."

Me: "I'll make out with you for a double cheeseburger!"

Puerto Rico: "Can I get some fries to go with that shake!?"

Lady: "We can make you double quarter pounders."

Me: "I wanna fuck you!"

This continued for about twenty minutes, and everyone was pissed off. The people behind us in line for taking so long to order, the employees for giving them hell, and us for not getting our double cheeseburgers.